What is your bandwidth?
I have been talking to a lot of people lately who are experiencing an inner or outer call to be more expansive than they ever have been. I am among them!
This is a wacky world that we live in and it demands that we grow to meet the challenges we face or whither into apathy, depression, or listlessness. We get challenges from the outer world, but really, isn’t it our soul’s truth calling us to stretch into the amazing beings that we are?
Here are some of the ways that we can identify when we need to expand our perspective, our capacity, and our courage:
- Irritation at others. Do you feel like all would be great if people simply started acting right?
- Feeling victimized. This one is tricky, because when asked, everyone will say, “I’m not a victim.” Yet when we feel like the world has us over a barrel or wonder why these things “keep happening to me” we are lost in the subtle trap of victimhood.
- Feeling out of sync. Do you feel less like your regular old self and wonder why you aren’t on top of your game?
- Easily thrown off balance. Are you finding yourself more reactive than usual? Are you less able to be neutral or compassionate than you would like to be?
If the above are symptoms that you are experiencing, you are not alone. The above are common requests by our highest selves to expand our bandwidth, not merely to withstand the pressure of the day, but also to thrive in a joyful and blissful existence.
When we expand our capacity to transcend obstacles, that same expansion allows for a deeper sense of being and subsequent happiness.
Your Assignment: Keep up! Keep breathing and courageously going forward toward your purpose in life. Boldly lean into the discomfort of expanding your bandwidth to allow for new expressions of courage, faith, trust, and bliss!
Incredible Practice for Self-Esteem
Many recent studies find that too many choices cause depression.* Many yogic masters have said the same thing through the ages.
One of the problems we face today is that we are overstimulated and overwhelmed by the choices that seem to go hand in hand with personal liberty but undermine one of the most spiritual precepts there are: the power of commitment.
I speak with people all the time who are lost in a sea of uncertainty especially in the realm of relationships. Upon further examination, I find out that more often than not, they have one or both resist commitment or they try to have some sort of open relationship.
The all-you-can-eat buffet style of living robs us of one of the most profound yet simple principles by which we can live. When we commit to something, it casts aside all other options, which is loathsome to the core in this culture that sees multiple choice as an expression of freedom and liberty. By staying with someone or something, through tough times and good, we get to experience the richness of life and true intimacy.
It is called “commitment” not “convenience”
What I have found true in relationships goes for all aspects of life: I need to stop mad attempts at tasting, trying, sampling, doing all that I can fit in to a day. Once I have narrowed down the few important things in front of me, give them my full attention and do them to the best of my ability.
In other words: slow down, pare down, and keep it simple. Commit to the pared down expectation and sustain the commitment.
When we do this, we shift from instant gratification to the long term happiness and self-esteem that comes from weathering the storm and finding one’s mettle. By transcending rather than avoiding life’s difficulties, we establish ourselves and feel our birthright to be happy and secure on this planet.
How strange it would seem that a vast number of choices can undermine one’s security. It makes sense. With so many options vying for our attention, we begin to second-guess our choices, living in a “grass is greener” loop of dissatisfaction.
Your Assignment:
Simplify your life and reduce your troubles. Make a commitment to yourself and keep that commitment and watch your self-worth grow by leaps and bounds.
*You can read more about the studies at these links:
http://www.science20.com/news_articles/too_many_choices_may_be_unhealthy_psychologists_suggest
http://caktal.blogspot.com/2010/01/too-many-choices-can-cause-obsession.html
http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2009/03/08/the-true-cause-of-depression/
http://xfinity.comcast.net/slideshow/news-12causesdepression/9/
What To Do When You Are So Angry You Want To Spit
We all have anger. The problem lies with how we use it.
In India, anger is considered the most valuable emotion. Over here, it is the among the most dysfunctional!
How can anger be valuable? Anger is a warning sign. It tells us that we perceive the situation as dangerous. When we allow ourselves breathing room in our lives, especially in our relationships, we can ease into becoming aware of what that perceived danger is.
Usually it is fear or sadness. Someone else’s behavior activates a long-ago hurt in us but the booby prize is this: it has nothing to do with the other person.
What gets activated is a belief created long ago (often before we have language skills at all) that can resemble some of the following:
- “I’m not lovable”
- “You will abandon me”
- “I am not enough”
Heartbreaking, right? And isn’t it easier to wield the phony power of anger than to settle into the above vulnerability?
When we can breath into our anger and ask ourselves, “What does this really mean? What lies beneath this volatility?” We have a very precious opportunity to heal ancient sadness and fear.
It isn’t easy, but it is evolutionary. And you deserve it. In fact, the health of the planet depends on your happiness and wellbeing, so it is your duty to bring that peace to yourself and express it into this world.
Your Assignment:
Practice now, in times of harmony, getting activated by a fake fear. * Imagine that fear and breathe deeply. Do that three more times and ask yourself, “What is lurking below the surface here?” By doing this now, you have a much better chance of accessing this experience when the mercury rises next time.
*They are all fake, but they feel quite real. In this case, you are doing a little roll play or practice.
Global Love Day guided meditation for bliss
Learn more about GLOBAL LOVE DAY here:
http://www.thelovefoundation.com/Global_Love_Day.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Global_Love_Day
Quick Meditation to Get Along Better
The Difference Between Empathy and Neutrality
Relationships are a high contact sport!
When it comes to giving and receiving freely to others, we can get lost trying to find our place between empathy and neutrality.
Empathy, we will describe here, as understanding another person’s situation to the point of vicariously experiencing the thoughts feelings and emotions of that person.
In other words, it is a place of understanding but with some sort of investment—and can include getting tied up in the drama of someone else’s situation.
The neutrality that I speak of is a place of observation with compassion. One can watch the dance without stepping onto the dance floor.
There is a powerful difference between the two. On the one hand, empathy calls for us to engage in and often be affected by drama (generally someone else’s) and begin the process of making their situation “about me.” It can be a little like eating a whole chocolate cake: it feels fun in the moment but the aftereffects are awful!
Neutrality gives us the power to witness, from a protected distance, the suffering of someone else, without projecting our own unfinished business on their experience.
For example, when someone in my proximity (whether a loved one or a coworker) starts yelling or making mischief, I have a few options:
I can try to fix them (about me)
I can try to stop them (about me)
I can look on with compassion and say to myself, “That’s interesting!” and provide a space for them to have an ungraceful moment until they are ready to seek a solution. (about them)
The motives are clear, when we are empathetic; we bring our own investment into the equation. This is sometimes very appropriate. However, if we are to be effective at diffusing situations quickly, the neutral stance is a far more powerful approach.
Neutrality demands breathing room. If we are running on fumes, there is no breathing room and we are of little use to ourselves, much less able to be a healing force for others.
With breathing room, you’ll find it much easier to be in a neutral space and instead of wasting your time and energy cursing situations that can’t be helped.
The idea is to become mindful of your situation and reactions, instead of going with your first reaction in adverse situations.
Your Assignment:
Designate a time of the day when you know you won’t be disturbed, find a quiet peaceful corner in your home, sit or lie down in a comfortable position, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Focus completely on the act of breathing, feel yourself relax. With every in-breath, imagine you are inhaling all the stress and anxiety you have stored within your body and mind as if it were benign smoke. Feel it transmuted into sparkling white light and exhale it out and allow it to spread goodness and kindness.
Practicing this exercise regularly will train your mind to switch to the ‘calm mode’ more easily when you are activated. The moment you take a step back and start deep breathing you have given yourself a chance at neutrality.
Freely Giving–The Key To Happiness
To watch the video click on the above image
Many of us chase happiness, hoping to eventually catch it, without really knowing how to go about it. In fact, we are trained from a young age that we can buy it, only to later be disappointed.
I have come to realize that the key to happiness lies in giving freely with an open heart, and true heart-centered giving is based upon love, abundance, and connection.
However, we can only give to others unconditionally when our own tanks are filled to the point of overflowing. This means we must be able to make ourselves happy and allow others to contribute tour happiness.
This is not to say that you should hole yourself up until you have amassed your fortunes. It simply means that we should make every effort to be generous to ourselves when it comes to taking care of oneself.
For example, to me ‘filling my tank’ means that I get enough sleep, healthy food, exercise, me time, VJ time, time with my dog, work done, etc. Essentially, I focus on giving myself all the things that I need in order to operate well, and then I can reach out and offer help to others.
I give because I want to, not because I want others to like me or to get something in return.
Generosity, or giving therefore, shouldn’t just be focused outwards. You need to be generous to yourself first, so that you can go out there protected, yet vulnerable, and help from a true giving spirit.
The irony, as you know, is that when we give freely we do get so much in return.
Your Assignment:
Fill Your Own Tank Of Happiness
Reflect on how much you are doing for yourself? Are you devoting enough time to your physical and mental wellbeing? Do you give yourself enough me-time? Are you able to invest enough time and energy into nurturing your relationships? The idea is to identify the areas in your life where you need to be more generous with yourself. We all can use help in this department!
A Simple Shift to Save Your Marriage or Relationship(s)!
 I have heard so many people say, “I give so much to my husband!” or “I give, and I give to my wife! Now I am ready to GET.”
What often happens is that we give from a place of depletion. This kind of approach is based on fear and survival, not true giving. We turn into martyrs not because we are giving spirits but because we want to:
It is really hard to see this when you are in the middle of it! In all three situations, the motivation is not to be nice, but to do so for our own benefit. That is constriction and fear-based living. Let’s look at that first point: manipulating the situation. Too often people make a choice that they don’t want to, so that they can: a. Make someone else happy. b. Prevent someone from getting mad at them. What we forget is that WE CANNOT MAKE SOMEONE UNHAPPY. We can mess up and give people an opportunity to be unhappy, but ultimately, it is their decision. Simply saying, “No”, can curb so many resentments. All you have to say is, “I am not available. I will let you know if that changes.” 2. Looking good. The martyr looks selfless, but is making sure that others see how much he or she is doing. What’s more he/she often keeps score—who isn’t helping when they should be. When we do something in order to get brownie points for it, the motive is tainted with selfishness. It leaves little space for any good or positive feelings. 3.“Giving” in order to get something is a business arrangement. It involves scorekeeping and using one’s good deeds as leverage, or as a weapon, to GET. In all of these cases, you can see how there isn’t really a giving quality, but a taking or getting quality that motivates.
Your Assignment: Go back to the last time you felt you were giving too much. Look back at that time from a different perspective. Reflect on your motivations, were you giving because you wanted to? Or, because you wanted to look good, get something in return or manipulate a situation in your favor? No judgment! Simply see and breath and know that in the future you have a choice—truly giving or score keeping! |
Have You Created an Isolation Station?
We are conditioned to give self-sufficiency the highest importance. Unfortunately, what we don’t realize is that often in our desire to become 100% self-sufficient, we end up building a wall around us—a wall that prevents us from letting people in.
In my own experience, before I was able to allow room in my life for my husband Vj, I had an over developed sense of independence. I remember doing everything myself—and often in a hurried or harried manner.
No wonder I was having trouble in relationships! Nature abhors a vacuum and I had filled my life with distractions and busy-ness.
Once I started to slow down, I saw that I could depend on people more and more. I began to ask for help in hugely beneficial ways.
I was finally learning how to make myself happy.
I could not believe how different my results were. My motives were very similar—I wanted to know in my heart that I could be responsible for my own happiness. However, my former method was based on fear and survivalist energy, the latter (that involved letting people in) was heart-centered and loving.
Something very similar happened with a client as well. She came to me with a huge complaint that her beloved was jealous of the time she spent with her friends.
Once we got the 50,000 ft view, she started to see how her self-sufficiency had squeezed her beloved out!
She was taking care of everything—finances, planning, choices about the home and vacations, etc. There was no way for him to provide anything for her wellbeing and happiness. It was as if she had built a cement wall against receiving anything.
Ours are not rare cases. I help with this type of problem all the time.
The rest of the story is that she was able to make subtle shifts, like asking for her beloved’s opinion and input on decisions, in essence, she invited him to be a partner, not an observer!
Her shifts had very profound results in the relationship. He started offering unsolicited help around the home and taking care of things that she thought only she could do.
He started to feel more secure and valued in the relationship, once she let him in. He began to see that he could contribute to her wellbeing and that his thoughts and opinions mattered to her.
I believe being self-sufficient is important, however, we all need to know where to draw the line between being independent and isolating ourselves from others.
Your Assignment:
Take some time out and reflect on your relationships. Do you let people in? Do you trust your loved ones enough to ask them for help? Are you always running out of time? Do you feel harried almost everyday? Are you missing out on some offered support?
The Walls Of Cynicism
Life brings us many opportunities to love and form lasting friendships. More often than not we end up missing them because out conditioning has made us extremely cynical. Our hackles are up before a stranger has a chance to say “hello.”
I understand that, many folks have unsavory motives, so it is up to us to develop our senses, our intuition and to trust ourselves to make good decisions. If we are strong on the inside, then no one, NO ONE can take advantage of us.
We can still be givers to those we don’t want to engage with.
For example, I have a weekly meeting near the Tenderloin district, which is overrun by junkies and people very down on their luck. Many of these people have had to resort to some pretty devious forms of manipulation in order to survive.
I don’t always have time to have a conversation with them. And I certainly don’t want to get caught up in any drama stories. However, I smile—from my heart—without putting myself in harm’s way.
Sometimes, I offer them food or a cup of coffee, but my energy is set so that I don’t involve myself in their commotions of emotions with them.
The same can go for close relationships too.
I can give freely from my heart to someone that seems in an unreasonable or wacky state, and not do the drama dance with them, because, I know that it is NOT ABOUT ME.
I can simply stand by, hold space, if necessary, and breathe. I can stay in a neutral space and still offer my love and support.
We miss many opportunities to receive merely because we put ourselves in a phony-protection mode.
Of course we need to hone our intuition so that we can filter out the baloney, when necessary. However, if we go too far, we close the doors to new friendships and love.
Strong intuition and breathing room allow us to create a neutral protective space and open up to see what’s really happening. We can then decide what combination of emotional distance and support is most appropriate.
Your Assignment
In order to create a protective neutral space for yourself, you will have to develop the habit of hearing people out on a daily basis. Start with small things, if someone’s making a sales pitch, hear them out and then take your time to decide if it’s of value to you. If you meet someone new at an event, allow them to talk, hear what your intuition tells you about them, not your conditioning. Keep listening and checking in with yourself “How is this resonating with me?”
